Creative Writing 1.4 Internal Assessment for English 2020

NOTE: This was written in 2020 and was an assessment from 2020 that I forgot to upload or made into a draft, I don't remember.

Recently we have been working towards the first draft of our English Creative Writing Assessment. I have completed the first draft here. Out of the four different kinds of Creative Writing Assessments I chose to do one that lasted over three different time periods, before a murder, during a murder and after a murder. Our word limit was exactly 1000 words, and I did, of course, go over that, however, the first draft has been shortened to 999 words exactly. The dashes symbolise a change in time period.

*STARTING*

The fire would be all her fault, just as the others had been.

A small place, barely enough for one person. But, there it stood. With battered walls and weak hinges on its doors, the house was desolate. Inside, you could smell the dust leaking from every plank of wood. Across from it only a single road, not anything else. The dirt was flattened in one skinny strip, where a motorbike frequently drove. The trees were somehow alive, even in the dry area. It was hard to believe anybody would have ever lived in such a place, let alone two people. However, they did. They were ‘happy’ in such a small place. It was a while from town, but they both enjoyed the distance. Abe especially.

“Hey honey,” his voice was slurred, coming from the couch he sat on while Lee stood in the kitchen, leaning on the counter and scrolling through her phone.

“Yeah?” She only had to act for so long, so she could have her fun in playing with the fear in his head.

“Think ya could chuck me a beer?” Why couldn’t he get him himself? Oh wait, it was because she was a woman.
“Of course, sweetheart,” she dragged it from the fridge and cracked it open. She scrunched her nose at the putrid smell and the white smoke pouring from its lips.

“I was gonna head out to town, you want me to grab anything for ya?” she mentioned, handing him the beer.

“Nah,” he slurred with a breath that stunk of the putrid smell, “I’ll be perfectly fine.”

Perfect, she could gather the first of the equipment on the list.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was hard to believe that watching fire could be so entertaining, even after all the fire she had seen in her time. Lee saw nothing but beauty in the fire as it tore down the house. Cracking, crashes, and the distant thunder of an oncoming storm. The fire licked up the boards and glowed with a burning passion. Even with how far away she stood she could feel the heat against her skin. She gripped leather gloves in her hands tight, almost enough to tear them apart.

Anyone who saw her here would think she was the devil or a witch. Cigarette burns on her wrists in small circles with bright colours, baggy skin across her face, and a patch of hair missing from her head. The patch was replaced by more wrinkled skin that was a slight pink compared to the tan skin across most of her body. She had created more fire in her life and she was decorated with proof of them and ones she hadn’t started.

The fire would cover the tracks. The only clue was the stink of rotting, burning, flesh. That wouldn’t matter though. No one had been out here for a while, besides them of course. She would have to find another place to stay, but that would soon bear her mark too, the stink of ash and burning flesh.

She still had one to go. And she was going to have the most fun with her.

Was it the first fire? No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Was it the first body? No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Lee felt nothing now as she swung her leg over the motorcycle and sped off, leaving his bones as dust and her memories with them both meaningless.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Must be a plain ol’ psycho,’ reasoned the officer. Standing at a pile of ash was definitely different than rounding up the kids who ditched school.

“Can’t be no plain Jane with a fire like tha’, musta had a problem with him.” A thick southern accent surrounded them both.

“Him?”

“The girlie who lived here, saw her once, talked ‘bout a boy who didn’t like the town, much less the city.” The first looked confused. Had she started the fire? And where was the boy if she did?

“Ya really think she did it? Why?” Now it was the second man’s turn to look confused, how couldn’t she? They were the only ones out near these parts, who would burn down a place in the middle of nowhere?

“It’s obvious,” he reasoned, staring at his partner in disbelief, “Can’t ya smell nothin’? Stinks like the ol’ butchers after a smoking, she left ‘em in there and booked it, probably a while ago too,”

“Can’t exactly bring tha’ as evidence though, she’s a suspect, but she ain’t coming back anytime soon if she’s a smart one like ya say,”

“It's’ a shame, seemed like a decent gal.”

The officer couldn’t see the falseness in her wolfish grin, or how she had a resting face that could raise hell. The officer couldn’t hear the falseness when she giggled at him mentioning marriage, or how she had menace in her voice when dismissing the idea. The officer couldn’t feel the warmth that others in the town held when he spoke to them or the chill down his spine that others felt when they saw her.

Unfortunately, it was something that they would never indulge again. Learning of the case, officials took over and sent in forensics. They asked questions, and it felt weird for the two officers to be in the opposite position. But, in their small town, it was the most action they had seen in so long, that they would talk for months. The officials would search the town but she was long gone, tyres racing down the roads towards a small diner.

The diner was silent as she pulled in. The woman clad in black leather looked like something from a movie as she had parked her motorbike. Only the man who dressed in a black tuxedo knew of her purpose here. To gather the information he would provide her with. She strutted in with power in each step, and he waved her over. She sat with hunched shoulders and a dead stare.

“So, where is she?”

*ENDING*

Task One

Our next task is to create the second draft by completing separate tasks such as inserting words or using the senses to evoke a sense of place. We need to complete six of these tasks and improve upon the draft. The changes will be marked by highlighter depending on the change made. The tasks I have chosen to use to change and improve my writing are:

Use time-related specifics
Describe settings to deepen the mood
Use settings to reflect the characters nature
Make characters introductions memorable
Show characters through what they say and omit
Replacing words

The following piece is one that has been altered from the original and uses the seen highlighting to represent the various changes within the writing.

*STARTING*

The fire would be all her fault, just as every other one had been.

A small place, barely enough for one person. But, there it stood. With battered walls and weak hinges on its doors; the house was desolate. Inside, you could smell the dust leaking from every plank of wood. The dirt was flattened in one narrow strip from the road, where a motorbike frequently drove. The trees were orange and brown with age, decaying in the post-summer heat. The paint on the mailbox had begun to peel and crumble under the sun. It was hard to believe anybody would have ever lived in such a place, let alone two people. However, they did. They were ‘happy’ in such a small place. It was a while from town, but they both enjoyed the distance. Abe especially.

“Hey honey,” a slurred voice came from the couch. While Lee stood, leaning on the kitchen counter and scrolling through her phone. Images of missing persons and arson reports flashed onto her screen.

“Yeah?” She only had to act for so long, so she could have her fun in playing with the fear in his head.

“Think ya could chuck me a beer?” 

“Of course, sweetheart,” she dragged it from the fridge and cracked it open aggressively while still outside of his line of sight. She scrunched her nose at the putrid smell and the white smoke pouring from its lips.

“I was gonna head out to town, you want me to grab anything for ya?” she mentioned, flashing a grin and handing him the beer.

“Nah,” he slurred, stinking of the putrid smell, “I’ll be fine.”

Now she could gather the first of the equipment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lee saw nothing but beauty in the fire as it tore down the house. Cracks, crashes, and the distant thunder of an oncoming storm sounded from everywhere around her. The fire licked up the boards and glowed with a burning passion. Even with how close she stood she couldn’t feel the heat against her skin. She gripped leather gloves in her hands tight, almost enough to tear them apart. She strutted out the remains of the door.

Any believer who saw her here would think she was the Devil or a witch. Cigarette burns on her wrists in light pink tones, baggy skin lined her face, and a patch of hair was missing from her head. The patch was replaced by more wrinkled skin that was a slight pink compared to the tan skin across her body. She had created more fire and she was decorated with proof of it, as well as ones she hadn’t started.
The fire would cover any tracks. The only clue was the stink of burning flesh. That wouldn’t matter though. No one had been out here for a while, besides them. She would have to find another place to stay; that would soon bear her mark too. The stink of ash and burning flesh.

She still had one to go. And she was going to have the most fun with her.

Was it the first fire? No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Was it the first body? No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Lee felt nothing now as she swung her leg over the motorcycle and sped off, leaving his bones as dust and her memories with them both meaningless.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
“Must be a plain ol’ psycho," reasoned the officer, yelling over the storm. Looking at the pile of ash and deteriorating foundations, he realised that it was definitely not in the typical job description.

“Can’t be no plain Jane with a fire like tha’, musta had a problem with him.” A thick southern accent surrounded them.

“Him?”

“The girlie who lived here, saw her once, talked ‘bout a boy who didn’t like the town, much less the city.” The first looked confused. Had she started the fire?

“Ya really think she did it? Why?” Now it was the second officer’s turn to look confused. They were the only ones out near these parts, who would burn down a place in the middle of nowhere?

“It’s obvious,” he reasoned, staring at his partner in disbelief, “Can’t ya smell nothin’? Stinks like the ol’ butchers after a smoking, she left ‘em in there and booked it, probably a while ago too,”

“Can’t exactly bring tha’ as evidence though, but she ain’t coming back anytime soon if she’s a smart one,”

“It's’ a shame, seemed like a decent gal.”

The officer couldn’t see the falseness in her wolfish grin, or how her stone-cold face could raise hell. The officer couldn’t hear the falseness when she giggled at him mentioning relationships, or how she had menace in her voice when she dismissed him. The officer couldn’t feel the warmth that others in the town held when he spoke or the chill down his spine that others felt when they saw her.

Unfortunately, it was something that they would never indulge again. Learning of the case, officials took over and sent in professionals. They searched but she was long gone. Her tyres racing down the dirt roads towards a fancy restaurant.

The restaurant was loud and bustling as she pulled in. The woman clad in ratty leather looked like a scene from a movie as she had parked her motorbike. Only the man who dressed in a tuxedo worth the restaurant itself knew of her purpose here. To gather the information he would provide her with.

Her boots thundered against the costly carpet. Looking through the restaurant, she felt her shoulders go tight. A place like this was his territory, with candles lining the tables, men in tuxedos and women in shiny dresses. Each had a different, more expensive-looking drink than the last. She sat and leaned onto the expensive table cloth, forearms against it and her hands clasped firmly in front of her. After a long silence, she finally asked her question with a dead stare into his eyes.

“So, where is she?”

*ENDING*

This is the first altered version of my first draft. There are two more sets of tasks to complete before it is ready to be submitted. The next is a much simpler task. We need to pick out different types of sentences within the story and show them. Or alternatively, write them into the story. Some of these will likely be shown with other sentences not of their type to give context.

The next sentences will explain the scene they are from, what the sentence type is and whether or not it is was within the story before this task.

Task Two

SENTENCE TYPE ONE

The short sentence is one that is incorporated into a story for something quick. It grabs attention. The rules are that it includes five or fewer words.

“Was it the first fire? No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Was it the first body? No, and it wouldn’t be the last.”

This is included in the second part of the story. This is where Lee burns the house down with Abe inside, it provides context that she is experienced and gives an air of mystery to Lee. It also uses the language feature of repetition with the pairs of sentences working together. The second sentences on each line are there to provide context. They are not there as short sentences. These two examples were already included within the story and I did not have to write them in.

SENTENCE TYPE TWO

The adverb start is one that uses an adverb to begin the sentence. Quickly, it adds to the interest you already have in the story. The rules are that you begin with an adverb, place a comma, and then continue with the sentence.

“Unfortunately, it was something that they would never indulge again.’’

This is included in the third part of the story. This is near the end of the scene with the officers and is used to explain what happened. It then goes onto explain what the town did about what they thought Lee had done. This particular sentence has not been provided with context as it is easily a stand-alone sentence. This example was already within the story and I did not have to write it in.

SENTENCE TYPE THREE

The -ING start is one that uses a word ending in a -ing form of a verb. Speaking through this form of a sentence requires you to state something beginning with the -ing form of the verb, place a comma and then continue with the rest of the statement.

“Looking at the pile of ash and deteriorating foundations, he realised that it was definitely not in the typical job description.”

This sentence is also included in the third part of the story. It is near the end of the scene with the officers and is used as a part of the introduction as to what the officers are doing as to what happened. This sentence has also not been provided with context as it is easily a stand-alone sentence as well. This example was not already within the story and I did have to write it in, as the original sentence did not include the pause with the comma as required.

SENTENCE TYPE FOUR

The W-start sentence is one that uses words beginning with W, such as who, what, when, where, why, and whereas. When used correctly, this type of sentence makes writing sounds more knowledgeable and thoughtful. The rules of this sentence are simply to begin with a word beginning with W.

“While Lee stood, leaning on the kitchen counter and scrolling through her phone.”

This sentence is included in the first part of the story. It is within the middle of the scene that introduces us to both Lee and Abe. After this sentence it begins to introduce us to both Lee and Abe’s typical character as Abe is a drunk and Lee is foreshadowed to not be the best person. This sentence has also not been provided with context as it is easily a stand-alone sentence as well. This example was already within the story and I did not have to write it in.

SENTENCE TYPE FIVE

The semicolon sentence is one that replaces a conjunction such as and or but with a semicolon inorder to connect two independent sentences. The rules for this sentence are, as stated, to include a semicolon in place of a conjunction when appropriate.

“She would have to find another place to stay; that would soon bear her mark too.”

This sentence is included in the second part of the story. It is the very middle of the scene with Lee standing in the burning house and the paragraph goes onto describe that because they were in the middle of nowhere that it would take time for anyone to even notice the happening. This sentence has also not been provided with context as it is easily a stand-alone sentence as well. This example was not already within the story and I did have to write it in, as the original sentence did not include the semicolon as required.

Task Three

The final task includes changing the punctuation of the sentences so that they fit better into the story. This can include changing conjunctions and separating sentences when necessary. Each sentence will be taken and looked at to see if it needs to be changed so it can have a more interesting effect. This will mostly change some of the longer sentences. When changed you will see the previous sentence or sentences in brackets directly above the changed sentence as they will not be in paragraphs. They will all be put back into format at the very end so that it can complete the final product. I will also be deleting sentences that I find unnecessary. So if there appears to be anything missing, you know where it went.

*STARTING*

(The fire would be all her fault, just as every other one had been.)
The fire would be all her fault. Just as every other one had been.

A small place, barely enough for one person.

But, there it stood.

With battered walls and weak hinges on its doors; the house was desolate.

Inside, you could smell the dust leaking from every plank of wood.

(The dirt was flattened in one narrow strip from the road, where a motorbike frequently drove.)
The dirt was flattened in one narrow strip from the road where a motorbike frequently drove.

The trees were orange and brown with age, decaying in the post-summer heat.

The paint on the mailbox had begun to peel and crumble under the sun.

It was hard to believe anybody would have ever lived in such a place; let alone two people.

However, they did.

They were ‘happy’ in such a small place.

(It was a while from town, but they both enjoyed the distance.)
It was a while from town. They both enjoyed the distance.

Abe especially.

“Hey honey,” a slurred voice came from the couch.

While Lee stood, leaning on the kitchen counter and scrolling through her phone.

Images of missing persons and arson reports flashed onto her screen.

(“Yeah?” She only had to act for so long, so she could have her fun in playing with the fear in his head.)
“Yeah?” She only had to act for so long. Then she could have her fun in playing with the fear in his head.

“Think ya could chuck me a beer?”

(“Of course, sweetheart,” she dragged it from the fridge and cracked it open aggressively while still outside of his line of sight.)
“Of course, sweetheart,” she dragged it from the fridge. Cracking it open aggressively while she was outside of his sight.

She scrunched her nose at the putrid smell and the white smoke pouring from its lips.

(“I was gonna head out to town, you want me to grab anything for ya?” she mentioned, flashing a grin and handing him the beer.)
“I was gonna head out to town, you want me to grab anything for ya?” she flashed a camera-worthy grin and handed him the beer.

(“Nah,” he slurred, stinking of the putrid smell, “I’ll be fine.”)
“Nah, I’ll be fine,” he slurred. Lee tried to not back away at the putrid smell.

(Now she could gather the first of the equipment.)
At least now she could begin to gather the equipment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lee saw nothing but beauty in the fire as it tore down the house.

Cracks, crashes, and the distant thunder of an oncoming storm sounded from everywhere around her.

The fire licked up the boards and glowed with a burning passion.

Even with how close she stood she couldn’t feel the heat against her skin.

(She gripped the leather gloves in her hands tight, enough to tear them apart.)
She gripped leather gloves in her hands tight. Almost enough to tear them apart.

She strutted out the remains of the door.

Any believer who saw her here would think she was the Devil or a witch.

(Cigarette burns on her wrists in light pink tones, baggy skin lined her face, and a patch of hair was missing from her head.)
Cigarette burns lining her wrists in a light pink, baggy skin made her face droop, and hair was missing from parts of her scalp.

The patch was replaced by more wrinkled skin that was a slight pink compared to the tan skin across her body.

(She had created more fire and she was decorated with proof of it; as well as ones she hadn’t started.)
She had created more fire and she was decorated with proof of it; as well as ones she hadn’t started.

The fire would cover any tracks.

She would have to find another place to stay; that would soon bear her mark too.

The stink of ash and burning flesh.

She still had one to go.

And she was going to have the most fun with her.

Was it the first fire?

No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Was it the first body?

No, and it wouldn’t be the last.

(Lee felt nothing now as she swung her leg over the motorcycle and sped off, leaving his bones as dust and her memories with them both meaningless.)
Lee felt nothing now as she swung her leg over the motorcycle and sped off. Leaving his bones as dust and her memories with them both meaningless.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Must be a plain ol’ psycho,'' reasoned the officer, yelling over the storm.

Looking at the pile of ash and deteriorating foundations, he realised that it was definitely not in the typical job description.

“Can’t be no plain Jane with a fire like tha’, musta had a problem with him.”

A thick southern accent surrounded them.

“Him?”

“The girlie who lived here, saw her once, talked ‘bout a boy who didn’t like the town, much less the city.”

The first looked confused.

Had she started the fire?

“Ya really think she did it? Why?”

Now it was the second officer’s turn to look confused.

(They were the only ones out near these parts; who would burn down a place in the middle of nowhere?)
They were the only ones out near these parts; who would burn down a place in the middle of nowhere?

(“It’s obvious,” he reasoned, staring at his partner in disbelief, “Can’t ya smell nothin’? Stinks like the ol’ butchers after a smoking, she left ‘em in there and booked it, probably a while ago too,”)
“It’s obvious,” he reasoned, staring at his partner in disbelief. “Can’t ya smell nothin’? Stinks like the ol’ butchers after a smoking, she left ‘em in there and booked it, probably a while ago too,”

“Can’t exactly bring tha’ as evidence though, but she ain’t coming back anytime soon if she’s a smart one,”

“It's’ a shame, seemed like a decent gal.”

(The officer couldn’t see the falseness in her wolfish grin, or how her stone-cold face could raise hell.)
The officer couldn’t see the falseness in her wolfish grin or how her stone-cold face could raise hell.

(The officer couldn’t hear the falseness when she giggled at him mentioning relationships, or how she had menace in her voice when she dismissed him.)
The officer couldn’t hear the falseness when she giggled at him mentioning relationships or the menace in her voice when she dismissed him.

The officer couldn’t feel the warmth that others in the town held when he spoke or the chill down his spine that others felt when they saw her.

Unfortunately, it was something that they would never indulge again.

Learning of the case, officials took over and sent in professionals.

They searched but she was long gone.

Her tyres racing down the dirt roads towards a fancy restaurant.

The restaurant was loud and bustling as she pulled in.

The woman clad in ratty leather looked like a scene from a movie as she had parked her motorbike.

Only the man who dressed in a tuxedo worth the restaurant itself knew of her purpose here.

To gather the information he would provide her with.

Her boots thundered against the costly carpet.

Looking through the restaurant, she felt her shoulders go tight.

A place like this was his territory, with candles lining the tables, men in tuxedos and women in shiny dresses.

Each had a different, more expensive-looking drink than the last.

(She sat and leaned onto the expensive table cloth, forearms against it and her hands clasped firmly in front of her.)
She sat and leaned onto the expensive table cloth. Her forearms against it and her hands clasped firmly in front of her. 

After a long silence, she finally asked her question with a dead stare into his eyes.

“So, where is she?”

*ENDING*

This concludes the chosen alterations of the story and shows how I went from my first draft to the completed edition that I will not be showing. I’m sorry you had to read all of this and not get to read the final completed product that I have shown for my assessment. The final product amounted to 977 words total and was turned in as a part of the then, now, and later assessment.